tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
