I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize