god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
