He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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