Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
