After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
