i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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