An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
