she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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