I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
