Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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