This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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