i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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