the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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