In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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