When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize