On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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