90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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