So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize