the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
