why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i was born a porn star she said
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
you had me at cake vodka
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
