It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
