just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
