saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize
