God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
