My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
