I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
