I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
