Do vagina's smell?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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