How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
