I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I touched a dick in church today
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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