i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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