walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
