I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
