We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
