i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
