Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
