On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
