i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
