I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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