My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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