Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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