i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
