Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
