Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
