Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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