I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
