he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
