better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
