I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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