the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
