did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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