On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Randomize
