I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
