Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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