just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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