I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
